I’ve recently been reflecting on my own relationship with tarot…namely why do I keep coming back to it? Why, after years, does it still feel taboo (beyond the very obvious reasons)? Why did I reach for it in the first place? What was I really looking for?
It feels chaotic, but also not. It started out as “story research” but that was really just an excuse because I was at a point in my life where I needed an excuse. It was a form of reclaiming, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I was ready to tap into something more while also being terrified of doing so. I wanted to sink but at the same time I was scrambling for the safety of the shore. Yet I returned, over and over. It felt maddening and embarrassing to be repeating the same cycle.
This morning I thought about my Mormon upbringing and the patriarchal blessing I received at age 16. Patriarchal blessings are given by the local Patriarch where he lays hands on head and receives revelation from God about who you are and your future. After it was done and I was back in the car with my parents, my mother remarked how much my blessing “sounded just like me.” Even though I outwardly agreed with her, inwardly I thought, “Really? You sure? Sounded exactly what we expect me to do with my life: keep a testimony, get married, have children. What part sounded “just like me” to you?”
A random memory, but I can see how it connects. Tarot became a way for me to claim what wasn’t given to me. As a teen I didn’t have the tools to push against the tides I was raised in. As a woman, I would never be a Patriarch giving out blessings and guidance. Most forms of spiritual authority within the church were not meant for me. Tarot, along with writing, became a way for my voice to come out and tap into what I already instinctively know. When you’ve lived so long trying to quiet yourself, speaking is terrifying. The taboo I was feeling wasn’t so much about the cards, but about what my voice actually sounds like.
I would say the transformation I’m working towards is trusting my own voice and my own instincts and then acting accordingly.
And I've seen you do such a beautiful job of just that: trusting your own voice/instincts and moving beyond all that was imposed upon you. I find it inspiring.
You have always been traveling inward but shining outward. Menopause is a difficult but wonderful part of life (to be appreciated when you come through the other side...).
Un bouquet de renoncules tendrement touchées par la rosée d’un soir d’automne, pour exprimer ma compassion à ton égard. La ménopause est comme un col de montagne encombré de débris de regrets de jeunesse passée. Une humble hutte de berger formée par quelques cartes qui appuient leurs sommets comme deux femmes qui se tiennent les mains peut t’offrir un refuge pour reprendre ton souffle entre deux suées.
Images mises à part, il y a de l’espoir au bout de cette année de transition. Après l’adolescence, il y a la vingtaine avec ses fous rires et ses exubérances. Après la ménopause, il y a la cinquantaine qui t’offre une nouvelle page de jeunesse sans taches de sang ni crainte d’être enceinte, avec le bonus d’un amant qui t’aime par dessus tout et un compte en banque bien alimenté.
This was auspicious to read a few hours before I get on a plane for my own belated 50th birthday trip! So many of my own roadblocks are external, as the world is a very challenging place these days. But I'm trying to focus more on my own internal roadblocks, the only ones I can move, and do they best I can with the hand we've been dealt.
Delightful post, Jordan. At 78, I "get it," that period (longish) of transformation. The Tarot was/is always helpful to gain perspective. I find my favorite card to be The Fool :-) For every stage of life there seems to be an initiation period. I love that you're creating yours by going deep and looking inward. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for the comment. It strangely feels good to allow myself to be a beginner again instead of trying to know. Ironically I just pulled Page of Cups this morning when asking what energy I should bring to this week ;-)
Good post. Nearing 66, I find myself questioning the “self” to whom I belong, and as I begin to consider releasing my stranglehold on various identities, the world opens more fully. It’s a slow process, and I remember the tumult of menopause and the deep questioning I did then. Congratulations on taking on the challenge of transformation with such panache and grace.
Love, love, love this!
I’ve recently been reflecting on my own relationship with tarot…namely why do I keep coming back to it? Why, after years, does it still feel taboo (beyond the very obvious reasons)? Why did I reach for it in the first place? What was I really looking for?
It feels chaotic, but also not. It started out as “story research” but that was really just an excuse because I was at a point in my life where I needed an excuse. It was a form of reclaiming, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I was ready to tap into something more while also being terrified of doing so. I wanted to sink but at the same time I was scrambling for the safety of the shore. Yet I returned, over and over. It felt maddening and embarrassing to be repeating the same cycle.
This morning I thought about my Mormon upbringing and the patriarchal blessing I received at age 16. Patriarchal blessings are given by the local Patriarch where he lays hands on head and receives revelation from God about who you are and your future. After it was done and I was back in the car with my parents, my mother remarked how much my blessing “sounded just like me.” Even though I outwardly agreed with her, inwardly I thought, “Really? You sure? Sounded exactly what we expect me to do with my life: keep a testimony, get married, have children. What part sounded “just like me” to you?”
A random memory, but I can see how it connects. Tarot became a way for me to claim what wasn’t given to me. As a teen I didn’t have the tools to push against the tides I was raised in. As a woman, I would never be a Patriarch giving out blessings and guidance. Most forms of spiritual authority within the church were not meant for me. Tarot, along with writing, became a way for my voice to come out and tap into what I already instinctively know. When you’ve lived so long trying to quiet yourself, speaking is terrifying. The taboo I was feeling wasn’t so much about the cards, but about what my voice actually sounds like.
I would say the transformation I’m working towards is trusting my own voice and my own instincts and then acting accordingly.
And I've seen you do such a beautiful job of just that: trusting your own voice/instincts and moving beyond all that was imposed upon you. I find it inspiring.
You have always been traveling inward but shining outward. Menopause is a difficult but wonderful part of life (to be appreciated when you come through the other side...).
Thank you! I am looking forward to that other side.
You may like the book “Inner Tarot” by Kate Van Horn. I haven’t read it. I was tempted to buy it and then the electricity went out.
I will check it out!
I'm going to buy the book later this afternoon. ;-)
Bonjour, Jordan
Un bouquet de renoncules tendrement touchées par la rosée d’un soir d’automne, pour exprimer ma compassion à ton égard. La ménopause est comme un col de montagne encombré de débris de regrets de jeunesse passée. Une humble hutte de berger formée par quelques cartes qui appuient leurs sommets comme deux femmes qui se tiennent les mains peut t’offrir un refuge pour reprendre ton souffle entre deux suées.
Images mises à part, il y a de l’espoir au bout de cette année de transition. Après l’adolescence, il y a la vingtaine avec ses fous rires et ses exubérances. Après la ménopause, il y a la cinquantaine qui t’offre une nouvelle page de jeunesse sans taches de sang ni crainte d’être enceinte, avec le bonus d’un amant qui t’aime par dessus tout et un compte en banque bien alimenté.
Merci beaucoup pour vos beaux mots. Ils sont si bien dits et touchants.
This was auspicious to read a few hours before I get on a plane for my own belated 50th birthday trip! So many of my own roadblocks are external, as the world is a very challenging place these days. But I'm trying to focus more on my own internal roadblocks, the only ones I can move, and do they best I can with the hand we've been dealt.
I'm very excited to hear about your trip, Moe! And yes, focusing on what we can "control" is about all we can do.
Delightful post, Jordan. At 78, I "get it," that period (longish) of transformation. The Tarot was/is always helpful to gain perspective. I find my favorite card to be The Fool :-) For every stage of life there seems to be an initiation period. I love that you're creating yours by going deep and looking inward. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for the comment. It strangely feels good to allow myself to be a beginner again instead of trying to know. Ironically I just pulled Page of Cups this morning when asking what energy I should bring to this week ;-)
Good post. Nearing 66, I find myself questioning the “self” to whom I belong, and as I begin to consider releasing my stranglehold on various identities, the world opens more fully. It’s a slow process, and I remember the tumult of menopause and the deep questioning I did then. Congratulations on taking on the challenge of transformation with such panache and grace.
Please stay away from Tarot cards, my friend. The occult is nothing to mess with. 🙏❤️
I appreciate that you are concerned for me. However we have very different beliefs around this topic.
Love and prayers for you, my friend. You are an excellent teacher. ❤️